Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dreams, Take One

The roads are all closed because of snow, but apparently what’s snow to the locals is no big deal to me. I am at a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. I am looking for the highway. I stop and ask a dream guide. To the left is a clear shot, bright and paved, easy driving. To the right, a steep incline, dark, and confusing. She suggests I turn right, take the road less traveled. Robert Frost, why the need to dominate my dream? Why the need to dominate NOW? I’m like you’re kidding, right? No way am I going to make that. She insists. I do, in fact, make it. I make it so much that I slightly miss my turn. I backtrack a bit and take the tiny road she spoke of that is more a path than a road. Perhaps it is a driveway, perhaps an alley. I am not really certain. Whatever it is, Dream Guide knows her stuff. From here, I have a straight shot to the highway. I have a full tank of gas, the wind at my back, and nothing but beautiful skies and great tunes to see me through.

I am big on dreams. I know there is meaning behind this nighttime madness of mine. This is not simply a rehashing of the day’s events. The rehashing dream came prior. I recognized it from the cast of characters, the student from that morning’s lecture, the waitress who earlier served my falafel, the extra large man in the red velour sweat suit who was exiting the bookstore at the same point that I was entering. It was exciting, this rehashing dream, but uneventful with very bad acting and too little plot. No, the highway dream was of some significant meaning in my life, a lesson. I knew this. And I was determined to pay attention in hopes of scoring high on this particular life exam.

I was determined because I have been struggling awhile now with a situation that I cannot share. I have been struggling and am in need of direction.

When one spends her life breaking a cycle, overcoming obstacles, and blazing a trail, which I have, one does not do that by simply sitting back and waiting for life to happen. She wakes every day with determination on her face, MAKES opportunity while everyone around her is waiting for it, and crafts her life story much as the writer pens a bestseller. She grabs life by the balls and says, “Listen here, buddy. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. But we definitely are, by God, going to do it.” This approach to life makes a girl strong, sees her through things others would find unbearable, gives her an awareness of what she is capable, and blesses her with an appreciation of all that she has. The problem with this approach, however, is that it makes her feel as if she is God.

It is a seductive feeling, this writing one’s own story. I forget sometimes that I am not the one in charge, that there is a greater force at work, a greater force who is preparing my path, overseeing the script. I am not, as I have imagined, the author of this piece, but rather the one who was chosen to play the starring role. To this point, might I say, I have played that role well. Lately, however, I have turned into the needy, attention begging leading lady that everyone loves to hate. I am spending my time ordering the Universe, telling God what God will do, putting my needs above those of others, and doing all of this with a dramatic flare worthy of an award winning performance.

Relax. Let’s just see how the script plays out. A friend suggested this the other day during one of my sniveling fits. Are you kidding me? Just sit back? Just sit back and let LIFE come to ME?! I have to admit, though, it’s an appealing thought. It definitely would be easier than the approach I’ve taken to now. And Dream Guide seems more than willing to show me the way. I may just have to go for this. It will definitely be a challenge. I may just concede and see what happens. Excuse me, Universe. Could you fetch me some popcorn? I have a drama to watch.

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