Monday, July 15, 2013
I don’t know a thing about sailing. Oddly, I have always been drawn. I snap photos of boats in the harbor, long to be on those at sea, and sit staring at sails as if they were oxygen and I should perish should I not. I am not certain I could swim to save my life. Still. Something in my heart is married to the water. Something in my soul is promised to the deep.
I had a dream, a dream of the nighttime sort. I am on a boat. It’s a beautiful day. The air is clear, the waters blue. I am enjoying the breeze, crisp and clean, turning my face to the sun in a silent prayer of gratitude and love. Someone is guiding me. I am not certain who it is. This is not my boat. I am not the captain in this scene. In fact, the captain is not a physical presence at all, but rather a force, a force that is strong and sure and completely in control. I am alone here except for this. I should be frightened, I know, but I am not. I should be concerned, but I am calm. I don’t know exactly where we are going. I am not aware of a destination. I know there is one, but I am not privy to it. Still, I am at peace, serene, in a state of conscious bliss, perfectly content to surrender control. The captain tells me that I am not to worry, that I am doing well and am almost there. I am to meet someone who is waiting for me, who is looking forward to seeing me, who knows that I am safe and on my way. And I am almost there.
I must confess that as calm as I was in the dream, I was equally disturbed on waking. Was this a metaphor for my coming death? Was God calling me, guiding me home? Was I perhaps lost and uncertain and being reassured on a spiritual level? Or was I, rather, being reminded that I am not always to know the path, but to trust, surrender, enjoy the journey? Regardless, the blissful feeling with which I awoke dissipated quickly into a tiny panic of sorts. What was I to make, exactly, of this metaphysical message?
The dream was, in fact, significant as I have been feeling very lost lately. I have always in my life taken charge. My days have more closely resembled an athletic event than an afternoon sail--set the goal, go for the goal, overcome the obstacle, celebrate the victory. I am uncertain, now, as to the goal. I am uncertain as to the course. I am uncertain the look of victory or the picture of defeat. You should know that I am rarely uncertain. This is a new place for me. A friend suggested in unknowingly appropriate analogy that I simply allow, that I allow and ride the wave. I confess that I am not very good at this. I have gotten to where I am in my life by active intent, not by any riding of the waves. Life, to me, has never happened like that, has never been that easy. Life, in fact, has been difficult, a chore. Life has been work. I am not certain if I know how to allow. I am not certain if I know how to surrender.
And, just being honest, right now the wave is swallowing me. I am struggling even to breathe. I cannot see the shore. I cannot keep my head above the water. I am working against the forces that are supposed to help me. This is not the picture in my dreams. I am desperate. I am desperate to learn. I am desperate to live without controlling, to surrender to a force greater than I. I am desperate to tip my head back in soul feeding bliss, feel the sea breeze on my face, breathe in the clean, crisp air, and offer up a silent prayer of gratitude, of gratitude and love for this beautiful day, gratitude and love for this beautiful life.