Friday, February 6, 2015

It Ain't Pretty, But it's Chocolate

Feb. 6

I made a cake today. I know that does not sound like a monumental act in need of record. I did this, however, because I am learning once again how to love myself. I say once again because I believe each of us, as children, inherently knows the process of caring for one’s self. We eat when we are hungry, sleep when we need rest. We play to our heart’s content and stay away from those who bring us down. And if we feel like dessert, well by gosh then we HAVE dessert. Even if we have to sneak it. We laugh until our sides hurt, spend entire afternoons doing nothing but rolling down grassy hills. We tell someone if we like them. We tell them if we don’t. We find time to spend away from the world, little hiding places that belong only to us. And we would never consider speaking meanly to ourselves or downplaying our talent in any way. In fact, it is usually the opposite. “LOOK AT ME!! LOOK!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!”

I felt like cake.

I know this sounds at odds with my recent attempt to lose weight, but you should know that when I do a thing I do it all the way. The weight loss effort is part of a plan to help rejuvenate my soul. I am journaling on the positive, focusing on gratitude, returning to my yoga. Even this I have made into work. Three gratitude posts daily, a short essay, forty minutes on the floor. GO!! Don’t miss a day. Don’t let yourself down. Don't let others down. Keep up the work. You can do this. You can DO it. Why? Why be so militant in my quest? Why so harsh?

So I made cake.

To be nice to myself. Because I wanted it. Because I love to create in the kitchen. Because cake, to me, represents the very definition of love and fun, of party and happy. I was covered in flour, up to my elbows in cocoa, and had gentle tunes floating through the air. I swayed my hips as I licked a spoon or two, hardly able to wait for the final results.

I fed my body with this cake, but mostly I fed my soul.

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